tears, tissues and tales.
Oct 9, 2009 1:27:04 GMT -5
Post by lilmisspony on Oct 9, 2009 1:27:04 GMT -5
For my english exam I need to write a piece of creative writing in less than 40 minutes that pertains heavily to concepts of belonging. I have written a practise piece, and who best to critique it than experienced and creative role players?
It's quite a long piece, so I may have to condense it for the final exam. I would highly appreciate your thoughts if you would please be so kind to read it. I know that I haven't been the most active of members lately, and for that reason, I will understand if you choose not to do so, but it is for things like this that I have to hang up the horse stories for now.
(and trust me, this is a thousand time better than what was written for my trial exams, but then again, this has taken me many times longer)
*passes around a tissue*
So there you have it. I'm sorry that it's not all smiles, but I had to stay away from cliched love stories. And, yes, I know, it is probably missing a few patches here and there. If I ever get the chance to sit around for a few weeks I might expand it into a novel length type thing.
Is it engaging? Interesting? well written? and most importantly, when you read it can you see that it strongly reflects ideas on belinging?
Thankyou
It's quite a long piece, so I may have to condense it for the final exam. I would highly appreciate your thoughts if you would please be so kind to read it. I know that I haven't been the most active of members lately, and for that reason, I will understand if you choose not to do so, but it is for things like this that I have to hang up the horse stories for now.
(and trust me, this is a thousand time better than what was written for my trial exams, but then again, this has taken me many times longer)
Ruby sobbed silently, unable to appreciate the beauty that was the moonlit lake. Salty tears ran down her cheeks and formed beads, like glittering diamonds, on her dark hair. She ignored the movement beside her, an announcement that Rose had finally found her. It wasn’t until she felt Rose’s warmth beside her that she finally turned her emerald-green eyes to her friend. No introductions, no questions, were needed between them.[/blockquote]
“I just can’t cope any more, Roe,” she sobbed, her breath short. “He says he loves me, but he’s always so blank, so vacant. He won’t kiss me underneath the stars; he says its bad luck. And everywhere he goes he wears that stupid diamond necklace around his neck, as if to defy his “feelings” for me.” She rested her head against the willow tree she was sitting beneath, and continued to cry.
“Just remember that this is my brother you are talking about,” Rose gently advised. She paused thoughtfully, wondering. “Did he ever tell you why?” she asked.
Ruby simply shook her head, the occasional glistening tear falling from her face as she did so. Her eyes locked onto Rose’s, silently begging for an answer to her pain.
Rose sighed, her dark eyes flooding with remembered suffering, “it’s a long story,” she warned. When Ruby smiled encouragingly, she began to expertly weave her tale, as a spider expertly weaved a web.
“Many moons ago, my brother, Logan, was returning home from a friend’s cottage two days ride from here. As he rode, a fierce storm gathered, and the ensuing rain was so great that it forced him to find shelter.
He was lucky, as he found a little inn nearby, sitting on the forest road, surrounded by great oak trees. An old and withered stable hand offered to take his chestnut stallion to the stables, and advised him that the innkeeper had a spare room for as long as he wished.
He gratefully rushed inside, out of the torrential rain, expecting to see the innkeeper waiting for him. Inside the rustic inn, he found no one, so he sat on a wooden chair beside the fire, warming his hands and drying his clothes. He was waiting for the innkeeper, wondering why he would ignore a potential customer, when shouts disturbed him.
As he turned, a lady, dressed in a simple, patched dress, clattered down the stairs with a panicked look in her eye. Despite her shabby clothing, she seemed impossibly graceful, her hair a brilliant blonde that reflected rainbows of light. Her facial featured were delicate and beautiful, with her sapphire blue eyes pleading to Logan stories of unheard suffering.
“I’m so sorry that we kept you waiting, sir,” she stammered, “He’s been so horrible this week, and I didn’t have the time to see to you.”
Logan’s heart nearly burst with compassion. “Who? Why?” He asked.
She lowered her head, embarrassed. “Just let me organize you a room for the night, he’ll kill me otherwise. I’ll explain everything to you tonight, while he’s asleep.”
Logan obediently followed her to a room, which contained a small bed, a washbasin and a window with a view to the forest. He sat on the bed staring into the storm, wondering who this lady was, why she was so scared, and enchanted by hair that could reflect colours of the rainbow.
It was late, and dark, when she finally came. It was only as she closed the door to his room that he noticed the diamond around her neck. It still shone and glittered despite the darkness, throwing a gentle glow across the room.
“Do you like it?” she queried, a gentle smile across her face. “It’s my birthstone, I can’t live without it.” Her hand lightly caressed the stone that sat around her neck, as if it could tell her a long forgotten, much loved story.
Logan slowly removed his eyes from her neck to look into the depths of her sapphire blue eyes. “It’s stunning,” he murmured. “How did you get it? It can’t be just an ordinary diamond,” he continued, in almost a whisper.
As tears welled in her eyes, she flopped onto the bed beside him, her hair covering part of her face. “I’m not a normal girl, either, and I’ve paid dearly for it, Logan,” she wistfully replied. Logan did not have the chance to ask her how she knew his name before she continued, her hand constantly holding the glittering diamond around her neck. “There is an ancient race known as the daughters of Venus that live in the night sky. We exist to enrapture humans with the displays of wonder that are the night sky. But some humans know that when a daughter of Venus carelessly strays too close to earth, she can be captured and enslaved simply by the use of a few words. My Master is one of those humans, and I have belonged to him for many years now.” She looked at the floor, in a daze, barely able to speak for the tears that had filled her eyes. “This necklace serves as a reminder of my slavery, it cannot be forcibly removed from my neck, otherwise I will die, but the glow within it holds my soul to the earth. When I am finally freed from my body, and can return to the night sky, it will become an ordinary diamond once more.”
Logan sat helplessly as he watched her tears fall freely. He wrapped his arms around her hoping that his warmth would be enough to calm her. After a moment, he whispered, “We can escape. Tonight. He won’t ever know.”
She looked into his eyes with something akin to awe. “You would do that? You hardly know me.”
Logan merely nodded, his eyes full of hope. How hard could it be to sneak out and ride away? His stallion was easily strong enough to carry two. And if it was successful, this beautiful young lady would be his.
“ By the way, My name is Kaede,” She explained, almost as if she was reading his mind. “If we leave now, we should have a good head start on my master. He won’t just let me go – I’m too special.”
They silently crept out of the room. Kaede used a key on the door, and they slowly moved out the stables, where Logan located his tack and gently readied his mount for the trip home. Surely it couldn’t be this easy to claim a beautiful being all of his own, could it? But as he lifted him up onto the stallion, and they rode away from the inn, it seemed so. Logan had freed the girl of his dreams, and as he had done so, made her his own.
Many believe in a thing called “love at first sight”. Logan had never trusted it, but had believed in a gradual “blossoming” of feelings over a period of time. In less than a month with Kaede, he realized that such feelings could arrive in an incredibly short time, and they could be intoxicating. Kaede did not so much belong to Logan, as Logan did to Kaede. They were the perfect lovers; everything they did was for each other. He trusted her implicitly, and could not believe his profound luck at having rescued such a beautiful lady. Naturally, it was only a short time until he proposed to her. Naturally, she said yes.
It was a simple wedding, in the springtime, with a few family and friends. Logan assented to holding the ceremony outdoors, at night, for Kaede said that her family would be watching from above. Nothing could have shatteredtheir bliss as she glided up the aisle, a picture of elegance and beauty in white. Her diamond necklace lit those around her, showering them in warmth and happiness. Logan beamed at her, in a few moments she would be his wife.
Unfortunately, happily ever after does not exist in the real world. And just as the ceremony was about to begin, a wizened old man burst into the ceremony with determination in his eye and danger written upon his face. He resembled a toad, short, stout and covered in hideous lumps and bumps. He smelt of week old beef and clearly did not care for his appearance. Kaede’s gasp at his appearance could indicate only one thing – it was her old master.
“You!” He shrieked with a voice of a thousand angry bees, “How dare you leave me!”
He pointed at the trembling Kaede, protected by Logan’s muscular frame. “You knew the price, and now you must pay.” He muttered one incomprehensible word, and a flash of brightest blue light erupted from his hands, streaking towards Kaede.
As it hit her, she collapsed, hitting the ground with a thud, her eyes closed. Kaede’s master cackled loudly, and disappeared beneath a flash of smoke.
Logan desperately shouted Kaede’s name, begging her not to leave him. She slowly raised her hand to stroke his cheek as she feebly whispered, “don’t forget me when I’m gone, I'll always be watching you from above. I love you, my hero.”
As Kaede became limp in Logan’s arms, the glow from her diamond necklace faded. He knew then that he had lost her forever. He kissed her one last time as her lay her on the ground in her beautiful white dress, silent tears rolling down his face. It had been such a perfect dream, such a perfect wish only to evaporate at the altar. As a lasting memory, he removed the diamond necklace from her neck, and placed it around his own, where he keeps it to this day.”
Rose sighed, exhausted from elaborating such a long tale. Ruby stared emotionlessly at the lake before her, comprehending the tale that she had been told. Slowly, she expressed her thoughts, her voice distant and vague, “So he’s trying to love me, but he still wants to be with a dead woman that didn’t even belong to this world?”
Rose gently shook her head, “no, he wants to love you, and goodness knows he’s trying. He wants you, and don’t you ever forget that. It’s just that he fell in love with a woman that was from another world, and you can’t ever own someone that never truly belonged to you. He forgot that, but he won’t ever forget her.” Rose sighed, “ please, now that you know his story, give him a chance. Accept his story, and love him with or without it.” She embraced her friend briefly, but lovingly, before she left, leaving Ruby to contemplate the deeper meanings of love.
*passes around a tissue*
So there you have it. I'm sorry that it's not all smiles, but I had to stay away from cliched love stories. And, yes, I know, it is probably missing a few patches here and there. If I ever get the chance to sit around for a few weeks I might expand it into a novel length type thing.
Is it engaging? Interesting? well written? and most importantly, when you read it can you see that it strongly reflects ideas on belinging?
Thankyou
