I fricking HATE school.....bye. ):
Jan 12, 2009 16:20:13 GMT -5
Post by blackcatluvr on Jan 12, 2009 16:20:13 GMT -5
No computer for nine weeks (or longer)...because of my grades.
I tried telling my dad before giving him the progress reports that I wouldn't be able to concentrate in school even if I were in remedial classes, and how I would still fail if I were in remedial classes.
Then I tried the homeschooling trick. I told him I can't concentrate in school (because I really can't), and how homeschooling would be so much easier for me.
He said he'd rather I just keep doing what I'm doing (in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh, so you want me to continue to fricking FAIL?! Because that's much better.") than homeschooling. Because while I'm in regular school, I apparently have a better chance at scholarships? I dunno. I was also thinking when he said this, "Well....at the rate I'm going, I'm not going to fricking GET any scholarships..."....I just don't want to think about school. I want to cry.
If I think about school, I will cry. Whoever made the idea of school, I want to find their remains, dig it up, and grind it into more than a million little pieces. (: Thank you.
I need out.....before I go insane.....which I think I already am...slightly.
It's not just teenager crap either...I dont cry over stuff like that. I only cry when I cant help it, like this summer when my moms voice was so calm and cold when i told her i wanted to live with my dad...."Okay, I'll pack your stuff" was what she said, so nonchalantly....that still makes me cry, just the tone her voice had.
It's just...school...and family stuff.....it makes me want to quite literally tear my hair out....or cut again. But, I'm ashamed I ever did that, so no...I only did that because it made me feel better...no one knows about the...cutting. Until now, anyway....hiding stuff inside for four...four? yes..yes, four. four years isnt good i guess...i feel better getting that off my chest...this is the first time ive said anything about that..uh..yeah. but i digress.
I still don't think my mom's forgiven me for moving with my dad....and it hurts me still, after five months....no...seven months I've been living with my dad. It still hurts me after seven months. I miss her....she's not the same. I miss my life, actually.
The one where I actually passed my classes and didn't cry just thinking about school. Maybe it's time for that mental breakdown I've been on teetering on the edge of for five years and counting....?
Anywho...so, no computer. I'll miss you all. ):
Mental breakdown, I'm coming quick..be ready.
EDIT:
And I've realized something....I always end up making people miserable...I don't know why...maybe I'm just a wrecking ball or something. Maybe I caused my parents divorce? Apparently my dad had had an affair with his secretary, but....they both lie. My mom might have been lying when she said that.
And, I've been getting back to my summer habit of being an insomniac...for the past week I haven't been able to sleep at night..or maybe it's the moon...I can never sleep on a full moon...ugh.
AND, my little glass bubble is almost all the way broken. I can feel it shattering around me, little pieces falling off ever so slowly. My little glass bubble that I worked so hard to create to keep people away from me is slowly shattering, and I'm scared. That fact scares me. I need to get away from here. I can't live my life in this place.
I didn't do my science project, and my dad asked why....I think I might have Social Anxiety Disorder....I can not present in front of people. I sweat, I stutter, I blush, then I get embarrassed and feel like I want to cry. It's like that even if I'm sitting at my seat and I have to read a paragraph from something we're reading in class. But I just told him I can't present in front of people because I stutter then I get embarrassed and want to cry. I don't tell him stuff like I might have Social Anxiety...because he won't believe me. I have ADHD and SID, and my mom had me diagnosed by a doctor when I was younger...Ive basically grown out of my SID, but not all the way....he says I don't have either. It makes me want to scream and cry because I know I do. So, I don't tell him stuff like that.
Then there's the pressure of getting the money/passport/clothing/etc for the Australia trip this summer... ):
I hate my life....I've hated it for five years now...but it's most definitely reached its peak now.
I tried telling my dad before giving him the progress reports that I wouldn't be able to concentrate in school even if I were in remedial classes, and how I would still fail if I were in remedial classes.
Then I tried the homeschooling trick. I told him I can't concentrate in school (because I really can't), and how homeschooling would be so much easier for me.
He said he'd rather I just keep doing what I'm doing (in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh, so you want me to continue to fricking FAIL?! Because that's much better.") than homeschooling. Because while I'm in regular school, I apparently have a better chance at scholarships? I dunno. I was also thinking when he said this, "Well....at the rate I'm going, I'm not going to fricking GET any scholarships..."....I just don't want to think about school. I want to cry.
If I think about school, I will cry. Whoever made the idea of school, I want to find their remains, dig it up, and grind it into more than a million little pieces. (: Thank you.
I need out.....before I go insane.....which I think I already am...slightly.
It's not just teenager crap either...I dont cry over stuff like that. I only cry when I cant help it, like this summer when my moms voice was so calm and cold when i told her i wanted to live with my dad...."Okay, I'll pack your stuff" was what she said, so nonchalantly....that still makes me cry, just the tone her voice had.
It's just...school...and family stuff.....it makes me want to quite literally tear my hair out....or cut again. But, I'm ashamed I ever did that, so no...I only did that because it made me feel better...no one knows about the...cutting. Until now, anyway....hiding stuff inside for four...four? yes..yes, four. four years isnt good i guess...i feel better getting that off my chest...this is the first time ive said anything about that..uh..yeah. but i digress.
I still don't think my mom's forgiven me for moving with my dad....and it hurts me still, after five months....no...seven months I've been living with my dad. It still hurts me after seven months. I miss her....she's not the same. I miss my life, actually.
The one where I actually passed my classes and didn't cry just thinking about school. Maybe it's time for that mental breakdown I've been on teetering on the edge of for five years and counting....?
Anywho...so, no computer. I'll miss you all. ):
Mental breakdown, I'm coming quick..be ready.
EDIT:
And I've realized something....I always end up making people miserable...I don't know why...maybe I'm just a wrecking ball or something. Maybe I caused my parents divorce? Apparently my dad had had an affair with his secretary, but....they both lie. My mom might have been lying when she said that.
And, I've been getting back to my summer habit of being an insomniac...for the past week I haven't been able to sleep at night..or maybe it's the moon...I can never sleep on a full moon...ugh.
AND, my little glass bubble is almost all the way broken. I can feel it shattering around me, little pieces falling off ever so slowly. My little glass bubble that I worked so hard to create to keep people away from me is slowly shattering, and I'm scared. That fact scares me. I need to get away from here. I can't live my life in this place.
I didn't do my science project, and my dad asked why....I think I might have Social Anxiety Disorder....I can not present in front of people. I sweat, I stutter, I blush, then I get embarrassed and feel like I want to cry. It's like that even if I'm sitting at my seat and I have to read a paragraph from something we're reading in class. But I just told him I can't present in front of people because I stutter then I get embarrassed and want to cry. I don't tell him stuff like I might have Social Anxiety...because he won't believe me. I have ADHD and SID, and my mom had me diagnosed by a doctor when I was younger...Ive basically grown out of my SID, but not all the way....he says I don't have either. It makes me want to scream and cry because I know I do. So, I don't tell him stuff like that.
Then there's the pressure of getting the money/passport/clothing/etc for the Australia trip this summer... ):
I hate my life....I've hated it for five years now...but it's most definitely reached its peak now.